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The Pain of Grief  

I'd always been afraid of pain, aren't we all? Until my husband,
Harry died the worst pain I could think of was having to go to the dentist. 

I could never have been able, in my wildest dreams, to imagine how loosing him would feel. 

I know what I tried to tell other's I felt like." Some one has just taken off one of my arms and legs, I'm not whole any more." This pain was so different then any thing else I'd ever felt in my life before. How was I going to let other people know what it felt like? I couldn't even find the right words myself to describe it. This pain was so terrible and so vast. It encompassed every nerve in my being.There I was with this huge open wound that no one could fix. 

How many times in my life had I gone to funerals where someone had lost a spouse? Quite a few in my fifty odd years. I had always thought that I understood how badly that person felt. In truth, there was no way that I could understand their pain. I had to go through it my self to really understand. 

It is one of lifes hardest challenges to go through. Worst of all, you have no choice but to go through it alone. Others will say that you have friends or other family members to help you. In truth we each feel this pain of loss in our own way.

The loss of a loved one is the same loss for you or for me but our pain is our own. That's why we can't seem to find the right words to describe it. In the beginning it is so unbearable, filling our every minute, hour and day. Like that tooth ache that won't go away and keeps you up all night. 

One of God's greatest gifts to us, is our tears. There like medicine for our bodies. As we cry the pain just comes pouring out of us from deep inside. Some of us will heal faster then others. Let the tears come, they're good for you right now. I found myself crying every place. In the shower, the garden, in the car and sitting trying to pretend to watch TV. No place was safe. So you just cry. I don't remember how long ago it's been since the pain stopped being so unbearable. It just seems to slowly ease away, you don't even know it's happening. It's always going to be there, hidden away in a corner of your heart though. Wrapped up with the love you had for the one you lost. Still yours and yours alone to bear.

Trust me
I made a small sign and put it in a picture frame, It still sits on my living room shelf right where I put it almost four years ago. 

It took me awhile to realize that no matter what, I was never alone. In my darkest hours God put His arms around me and held me close. He carries me through the bad days and walks beside me on the good ones.

A friend of mine said to me "Don't dwell on this stuff to much." I'm sure that person ment no harm but it is in the sharing of our grief that we begin to help ourselves heal and become whole again.

In the beginning of my grieving another friend gave me a new Bible, which I love. I learned to play what I call Bible Roulette. When you think that God is not listening to you, just ask Him a question. Take your Bible in your hands, run your finger along the sides of the pages. God will tell you when to stop, open it up and read the first thing that hits your eye. The answers God gave me help so much. I'm sure that He will guide you also.

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