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Just a Piece of Junk...
~About that Sword~
by Aphrael

A SanoXSaitou fic that shouldn't be taken seriously, it's 'just a piece of junk'. The characters don't belong to me, but I love them, I hate them, and I will do as I please with them. This is after all my private little fantasy, so no complaints (Even if Sano and Saitou are a 'little' OOC) C&C are very welcome though.

*...* Sano's thoughts
#...# Saitou's thoughts
//...// Comments
(...) noises etc.

A beautiful day in Tokyo.

Sano is passing the day like every other: being lazy and in a bad mood because he had just met his nemesis.

*What is his problem anyway, calling me Ahou again... I just can't stand it anymore (snivel). Why does he have to see me as a child, when I just want...(sigh)*

He just walks by a smithy in the merchant quarter, when he suddenly spots something familiar huge. A Zanbattou! The smith was just about to demolish a Zanbattou!

"No! Stop!" the smith turns with surprise and sees a youth kneeling before him, looking up at him with huge pleading puppy eyes, nearly crying.

"Please, you can't do that, I beg you, PLEASE! (more snivelling)" Tears were slowly trailing down the youth's cheeks.

"Well, what is it, cry-baby? I was just about to make some nails out of this piece of junk..." The smith looks at Sano, annoyed because of the disturbance.

Normally Sano would have punched this huge, dirty man into next Tuesday by now, because only Saitou could call him names and actually get away with it //Not that Sano was able to do anything about that...//, but that damn Zanbatto makes our favourite roosterhead all emotional and bubble-brained. So the smith gets to live another day.

"Please" Sano grabs the leg of the smith, tugging at his hakama, "Please you can't... Give it to me, PLEASE (Some more whining)"


Fifteen minutes later Sano gets thrown out off the shop. The Zanbattou follows, landing on his head with a hollow noise.

"Get away from here, ya annoying little mugger! If I ever see ya in my shop again, I'll fucking kill ya!" the smith shouts , while Sano hugs the stupid sword like a baby.

"Finally," Sano thinks, his eyes going all watery, "finally I get the chance to make Saitou take me seriously."


A day later Saitou sits at his desk and daydreams //Yes, daydreams!// about his annoying little roosterhead. His head leaned against the back of the chair, eyes closed, lips parted, he sighs deeply.

#...those long thick lashes slowly closing the gorgeous brown eyes, those soft cherry lips parting slightly...'Please Saitou, deeper, take me harder...Yes...' As I push into him, he wraps those beautiful strong tights around my waist, drawing me closer. I start kneading his muscular, round buttocks, while he...#

While our favourite cold-blooded killer fantasises about fucking his roosterhead’s brains out, getting a serious hard on, steps are heard from the corridor. The door opens...

"Ne, Saitou" roosterhead says annoyed (Hm?) as I..."Hey, you bastard, what are you doing?" ...(HMMM??) (Saitou cracks one eye open)...What the hell, Sano! #


Saitou, shocked that the object of his lust is standing before him, tries to jump out off his chair, but topples, with chair and all, backwards, crashing on the floor.

#Oh Kami, how embracing, HE caught me#

Saitou blushes //and the world is coming to an end//.

Fortunately for him he hadn't open his pants yet to... //I don't need to say more, ne?// "Ahou ga. Haven't you heard about knocking first, before entering a room?"

Sano stares at the policeman lying on the floor.

*What the heck...Saitou on the floor (blink) I must be dreaming...*

"Eh, Saitou, what are you doing on the floor?"

"What are you doing in my room, boy? I told Miyazaki that I don't want to be disturbed, Ahou!"

"Well, nobody did tell me about that." Sano still stares at the wolf. Seeing Saitou in such an embracing situation for the first time, he realises how, hm..., how, hmmm... cute the bastard really is.

*Cute! What am I thinking?!? Sano, get a grip, this is Saitou you are thinking about, Saitou! The Zanbattou must have knocked out the last brain cells I had...*

While he realises Sano is still staring at him, Saitou tries to get back his composure by lashing out at his //His? Yes, Saitou thinks already about Sano in that way.// roosterhead. "If you had manners, which, unfortunately, you haven't, you would have asked at the front desk if I was free to talk to you. If you had manners, I would consider changing my opinion of you, but there is no use for that, ne? You are a brawling, stupid loud brute #...although a very attractive one...# with no manners whatsoever #...exactly how I like them in bed, its so much fun to subdue them...# and you will never change, ne?" # Not that I really want you to...#

"Nandayo, why are you always talking to me like that!" *How could I think that that bastard was cute!* #It's either that or tell you that you have the most delicious ass in all off Tokyo...# "Anyways, I have come to challenge you."

#...Challenge me? Why can't the boy think of something new, like hopping into bed with me... Oh Saitou, get your mind out off the gutter, and concentrate. This isn't a wetdream. Unfortunately...#


"Why what?"

"Why should I accept a challenge from the likes of you? " #Even if you are a delicious piece of ass, you still are a Baka no Ahou. I would prefer you on your back. Damn (Gives himself a mental slap) Saitou, get a grip...#

"Because... *Oh Kami, I haven't thought about that...* because eh...*response, response, I need a response..* because the looser has to do what the winner wants." *Iie, that's an old hat, why are his eyes gleaming so evilly all of a sudden? FEAR! Mommy save me... Shit, I don't have one to save me...I am sooo stupid, Sano no baka (Gives himself a mental slap, too, but for different reasons...)*

" Ahou ga, you really want to make your life miserable, don't you, boy? But it's not for me to complain...I accept though." (Soft giggle)

*Saitou giggled? Oh, Kami, what did I get myself into now?? No use, a Sagara Sanosuke doesn't go back on his word (sigh)*

"At the clearing close to the river in two hours then." Sano says, and walks stiffly out off the room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

A dirty laugh comes from Mibu's Wolf. #How can anybody be so naïve. It's not a new prospect, but its going to be a delicious one for me (HEHEHE). Sagara Sanosuke, you are really asking for it...#

As he walks slowly over to the window, he muses that he probably should go visit Takani Megumi before the meeting.


"Ahou, do you really want to get laid that badly? I would have complied if you had asked me, you know?"

"Bastard!" Sano shouts, "What the heck do you mean?!?"

"Well, the thing you are waiving around is quite a good example of a phallus symbol, wouldn't you say? Judging by the size of it, and the way you are fondling it, you are quite the uke, ne? If you had given me a hint, I would have had you on your back long ago, princess..."

"I don't have to listen to this, you pervert! Be prepared to die!"


(Once again the author has to remind you that the pleasure of having a Zanbattou again, makes mush out of poor Sano's brain. Saitou on the other hand behaves that way because he has wanted his roosterhead for quite a while. So his normal unfeeling composure is not in place either (In other words, Saitou is horny.). Anyway, this is a parody, so just have fun.)


Five minutes and a Zanbattou later.

Sano stands breathing heavily in the middle of the clearing, holding the heft of the Zanbattou in his clenched fist. The rest of the monster sword lies in shreds all around him.

"Well boy, you are mine now." Panic slowly creeps into Sano's eyes as Saitou comes closer, drawing Megumi's leash out of his pocket. "With your masculine ambitions out off the way //See phallus symbol = Zanbatto = Sano's private parts//, be prepared to spent the rest off your life on your back, my delicious pet //See AI NO KUSABI if you want to know what he has in store for Sano//"

//Saitou has a one tracked mind, ne?//

Sano feels fear gripping his soul. *The bet wasn't such a good idea after all...* Saitou is already close, when Sano suddenly throws the heft at his head, knocking him out with a lucky hit. Sano looks down at the fallen man with something like remorse and sadness in his eyes.

"Well, Saitou, as much as I would have enjoyed getting laid by you, I am not into bondage and things like that. What a pity, really..."

Suddenly our roosterhead (and Saitou's princess) is in a rush to get to the harbour.

*I should be able to catch a ship going to America, or something. Saitou is not a man easily crossed, he is after all a Aku, Soku, Zan type of guy.*

(Huge sigh!)


An hour later, a shout can be heard in all of Tokyo.



Where did I get the title from? Well, the Zanbattou is just a piece of junk, after all...

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